***Scary Chick: Fortune Teller is an app intended for entertainment purposes only and does not provide true fortune telling functionality.*** In the beginning, everything sucked. Then came Scary Chick and it sucked a little less. But don’t let that fool you, because she has been granted the gift of second sight and she can now peer into the misty veil of time to see your future, which is probably not very pretty. In fact, odds are that your future could be downright horrible (or at the very least, incessantly irritating) to both you and those around you.

The imaginary voices in her head have granted Scary Chick the clairvoyant visions that will allow you to come face to face with your future. Scary Chick: Fortune Teller is not full of platitudes. She does not tell you lies about the money you will get or the love you will find. Instead, she crumples you up and casts you down into the dark and damp basement to meet Fate one on one. Just keep in mind that Fate is a bit irritated at being kept down in a musty basement, and you will pay. Oh yes, you will pay dearly.

Scary Chick: Fortune Teller uses Scary Chick’s Fortune Engine Technology to ensure a unique fortune every time you consult her. You can then suffer silently as you face your future, or you can share your misery with others through in-app email and social integration with both Twitter and Facebook. Whatever you do, do not chicken out. Use this knowledge to be prepared and show Fate who’s boss. Whatever you do, do not chicken out. Use this knowledge to be prepared and show Fate who’s boss.

Scary Chick: Fortune Teller, now 100% artificially accurate with 1 million times more hyperbole than other fortune telling apps.

Thumb your nose at Fate every day by using Scary Chick: Fortune Teller.

Scary Chick: Fortune Teller is the easiest and most fun way to play chicken with the omniscient and omnipresent forces of the universe that control your life.